h2opologirl

Anerexia

2009-02-25T15:33:00.003-05:00

Did you know that about one out of every 2500 people in the uninted states has an eating disorder? That may not seem like much, but the 8 miliion people that eating disorders have effected might disagree. And on top of that, 10-22 %, about 1 out of 5 people that are diagnosed die of anerexia. Another demographic shows that 40% of fourth grades diet or think they need to diet. Fourth graders. What kind of world do we live in that 10 year olds are concerned with their self image?

Stranger

2009-01-23T23:30:00.004-05:00

Who is this person,
I see in the mirror?

Who is this stranger,
cast in my shadow?

Whose are these word,
that come from my mouth?

They can't be mine,
It can't be me.

Whispers of lies, truthfully told
these rumors I hear, they can't be my secrets

Who is this stranger
in my reflection?

And why is she staring at me
with a broken gaze?

Why are her eyes cold and wet?

Surely this can't be what I've become.

The broken girl, shattered in pieces
left for me to put back together.

A splash of cool water
And her face washes off.

It is me.

I am here under the broken layers
and it is me

who has to fix this sorry mess.

Got any duck tape?

nothing

2009-01-14T21:57:00.003-05:00

there is something so peaceful
about nothing

have you ever just let yourself get lost
in it's power?

just let loose, let it erase all of
yesterdays worries

someone else can fear
your fears

just give in to this one
moment

this one chance you have
to feel absolutely
nothing.

Is it just me, or are you still feeling something?

Doll Face

2008-12-06T13:58:00.000-05:00

You're four

you ferociously rip open layers of wrapping paper
until you uncover her porcelain face
you marvel over the smooth texture of her cold skin
and then hug your mommy with renewed enthusiasm

You're six

all your friends wish they had her
she's constantly being passed from arms to arms
until she ends up in her rightful place
she sits there, over- watching over your youthful fun

Then you're eight

her smile is slightly chipped from age
one arm wears a crack and remnants from being glued back together
the end of her tiny red dress is slightly frayed
but you still always love your gorgeous companion

When you're ten

she waits patiently in her certain place
while you're out climbing trees and jumping rope
she's to fragile to bring outside so she
slowly fades to the background while you go full speed ahead

At age thirteen

She collects dust in an abandoned corner
she doesn't even catch your glance on the way out to see a movie
with your real friends. there's no time for stupid
childhood toys and make believe as a teenager.

When you turn fifteen

She gets moved to the attic in an effort to remove
clutter form your room.
Her mossy hair is tangled, her cloths tattered and torn
there she sits neglected, her eyes reminiscing on the past

Now your twenty three.

Fresh out of college you come home collecting belongings
to move far away to a the start of your new life.
You come across her broken smile in the attic
Remembering.

Remembering how her glass eyes watched you through your tears
Remembering her chilled hugs after a bad day at school
Remembering that she saw you grow up, she saw you in your best and at your worst
and rememberting that smile that is still plastered on her face

so you box her up and bring her
on to your new life that lays ahead.

Your 33, but she's five.

"Mommy, what a pretty doll."

Thing I learned

2008-11-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

Have you felt like you've been walking forever? If so maybe your not that far off. According to http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~bingbin/ the average person walks the equivalent of 5 times around the equator. To put this in perspective let me tell you that the earth is 7,926 miles around. Five times 7,926 is 39630, so the average person walks 39,630 miles in their life. My guess is that the average life span for a human is around 75 years. 39,603 divided by 75 is 528.4, which means that you walk approximately 528.4. There are 365 days in a year, so 528.4 divided by 365 is about 1.44. So by my calculations, you walk approximately 1.44 miles a day.

nineteen minutes

2008-11-18T15:44:00.001-05:00

looking through blurred glass
a secret love hidden behind thick rimmed metal
a visible line in the sand between dreams and reality
passed from hand to hand until dumped on the cold, stolid floor
always waiting for future, never living in the present
emptiness burns through treasured eyes
looking from the outside into a parrel universe
of smiles and artifically whitened teeth
things will always be different
untill you choose to change them
ending with a sock behind bars

a happy poem (don't say I didnt' warn you)

2008-10-10T20:12:00.000-04:00

ok I wrote a happy poem for all those people complaining of my depressingness, but don't say I didn't warn you. I told all of you guys that I couldn't write a happy poem to save my life. For the record I told you so.

love

is controlling
is obliterating
is incomprehensible

it makes you go back on everything you once believed
contradict yourself by rethinking everything you every thought

it flings you head over heals into the great unknown
and makes you smile as you come spiraling down into heartbreak

it makes your decision for you
and your world catches on blazing fire
it also makes you smile.
and laugh.
and cry.

and hurt, hurt hurt,

love likes to make you hurt.

but in the end it always wins

there is no fighting your heart

your brain might fleetingly disagree

but you can't do anything but go down with a smile

there is no way to fight the immeasurable force

that comes unexpectedly out of no where

once you fall in
you can't crawl back out again,

of this crazy little thing called love.

numb

2008-10-09T15:24:00.000-04:00

lose yourself.

let the blackness envelope around you,
eating away all remnants of pain
touching every crevasse of your body
give in to the omnipresent numbness
let all wishful thinking escape the steel trap of your mind
let all sanity slowly slip away...
and watch as every raw memory fades into nothingness
forget everything that is unforgettable
let go of the afflicted past.

for all those haters out there

2008-10-02T15:48:00.001-04:00

this one if for all those people who are complaining about my depressing poetry, this is for you:

she looks down

the ground lays 7 stories beneath her feet

her heart strarts to pump with adrenaline

her feet inch closer and closer to the edge

the promise of darkness bekons her foward

of a world where emptiness awaits her,

where she doesn't have to feel the pain

of the cruel world.

so with one last breath

she flings herself over the edge of the building

and with one hard hit where her body meets the concrete

she greets her awaiting world of omnipresent darkness

2008-06-21T21:47:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone,

I have a new summer blog that I'll be writing on. The link is below- enjoy.

http://imaginarysummerblog.blogspot.com/

a risk in the darkness

2008-06-16T15:56:00.000-04:00

Glimmering in the moonlight
His captivating presence restarts my heart
Thumping stridently in my ears,
My blood boils under my skin
As I brace myself
For the leap of a lifetime
Hand in hand we go forth
into the darkness of the world
taking a chance for love.

a sort of happy poem (i'm working on it)

2008-06-16T15:48:00.000-04:00

her hips sways smoothly

like winds blowing in a quiet medow breeze

her eyes are closed remembering happy memories

as her head softly swings from side to side

her hands are up reaching for the crystal blue sky

she is lost in better times

gone to another world

an alternate universe keeps her going

anythings better then real life.

absense

2008-06-09T15:34:00.000-04:00

each tick of the clock brings it closer

every mistake becomes inevitable

the time draws nearer

it lingers ahead in the future

it pounces on unsuspecting victims

it feeds on the innocent

the too young are put at risk

there is no mercy to be shown

no tears to be shed

everyone has to go at one point

some sooner then others

there is no point in fearing the things to come

go headstrong into life

and leave this earth with the ones you love

and one last smile

before you leave us

with absence.

prejudges

2008-05-29T21:50:00.009-04:00

Britney

I was sitting next to my cousins, Sweet Home Alabama blasting in my ear drum, when I saw her. The bright blue matching outfit she wore made her look like she had just stepped off a tropical island. A pair of gold earrings dangled from her ear lobes, that could easily be bigger then my fist. I rolled my eyes in annoyance at her unfashionable attire. I thought that everyone should look their best where ever they go, even if they're in an airport waiting to go through security check.

Her light blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail, which drew your attention to her face. Her sky blue eyes matched her clothing, and popped out against her pale skin and soft features. She was standing casually in a group with what it seemed to be her family surrounding her. A crinkly old women stood adjacent to her, at what I guessed to be no taller then 4"6. I drew my eyes away from this girl, aggravated at myself for wasting some of my poorly allotted time with my cousins, on some girl who didn't have the tinniest impact on my life. Turning back to Peggy, I make the most of the few moments I had left with her, before my mom tugs at my arm and told me it was time to say good bye to my cousin. So I found myself face to face with a tiny blond girl, the exact image of me inside, but our only feature of similarity were the light freckles sun planted on our cheeks. She was the only person on earth who ever did, or would understand me fully and completely. Or so I thought

xxx

Emily

The moment her hazel eyes locked with mine, I knew she was the kind of girl I generally stayed away from. She had on designer clothing, and two designer bags. I didn't bother to see what brand she was sporting, they're all the same. They showed what kind of person you were: a copy. When you sported things like Abercrombie, or American eagle, you were what the company wants you to be. You walked around like everyone else, and talked like everyone else, and pretty soon you WERE everyone else. You'd loose all essence of yourself, and you'd become a poser. I've known too many girls that have slipped into the dark world of stereotypical, and let me tell you it is not a place I wanted to be.

One glance at this girl told me she's no different. There was no evidence, to help me draw a new conclusion, so I searched. I studied her layered dirty blond, more on the side of brunette, hair. I looked at her sharp nose, perfectly angled, and her skinny, athletic body. Nothing there to prove me wrong. The only place, I saw a hint of emotion, were her eyes. The hazel blurred into a soft brown at the edges, and near the pupil, there were speckles of gold embedded. Deep within, they held confusion. They held sadness. There was loss somewhere buried deep underneath this teenager, but it couldn't seem to claw it's way up. I watched as she turned back to the little blond girl sitting next to her, and I awoke from my daze.

xxx

Britney

A promised tear escaped my eyes, trickling slowly down my freckled cheek. Saying good bye was always the hardest part. It got tougher every time, and it always seems like I left a piece of myself with Peggy. Alabama was my second home. I always leave this alternate universe, that I could have if I ever said the word. I've pictured myself living in the south. My aunt and uncle would take me in. Every day, I could wake up to Peggy's face, and we could have the same debate we always have about what to serve for breakfast. I could smell the crisp sent of bacon wafting under my nose, when I visited Nana and Pawpaw.

But I always chose to get on the plane, and fly back to Virginia. So then, I put my both my Bradley bags on the conveyor belt, and swiped off my flip flops. People may have mistook me as preppy, but I knew better. I knew that both the bags were presents, and the only reason I wore clothing with a moose right above my chest. I didn't want to stand out. Some girls thrived on attention, but I liked to hide in the shadows of popularity. I didn't want to be different. I just wanted to be normal. Was that too much to ask?

xxx

Emily

I stood next to granny as our bags got checked.
"Only a few weeks," I reminded myself. Because I was the oldest, my parents were sending me to take care of my granny in Memphis, Tennessee. She had some heart problems, so I would help her with simply things around the house. Most teenagers would pitch a fit, about wasting they're summer helping an elderly women do her laundry, but I'm wasn't like most teenagers. I did what my parents said, with out a word in resistance. It's not acceptable to argue with your elders in my family. I packed for weeks, making sure not to miss anything, and then my mom drove me slowly, at least 10 miles under the speed limit.

I studied the prep once again. She was writing something in a journal with a swirly elaborate design on the front. Her expression was unfathomable. Wow, maybe I had misjudged her. Maybe she wasn't just some girl who wore American Eagle.

"Yeah Right," says a little nagging voice in the back of my head. "She's probably writing a list of close she wants to order off line, or boys she planning to invite to some big bash she's planing. There's no way that she could be different then the majority of the teenage population in the country. "Another one bites the dust" was the song I would have used to describe her. God what has the world come to?? Wasn't there a point were a person could stand out and be an individual? Couldn't one person be unique?

That would probably have been too much work for some one with her brain capacity.

xxx

Britney

waiting

the time slowly drags on

each tick of the clock brings pain

it fills the narrow creases of my body

my mind is set on one memory

your voice plays over like a broken record

your eyes,

your pale green, transfixing eyes

fill me with inspiration

and depression at the same moment

as the time drags on

-Brittney Miller

I read over my poem, content with the message it sent. I planned to post it on my blog as soon as I got home. No one thought to be concerned by my depressing writing, because I wrote it with forced fake smiles, mandatory to not draw too much attention. Everything different stands out, and I couldn't afford to be the depressed emo kid, who wears black and writes about death. So I was a secret closet depresse (if that's how you spelled it), who had a phony smile plastered to her face every morning. Pretty soon, I forgot that the smiles weren't real, and the only thing that brought me back was my writing. I floated through everyday life, not really present. It was like my body was going through everyday life, but my mind wasn't. That's the big reason that I agreed to go to Alabama with my mom. I needed to get away from the life that was killing me bit by bit.

My mom kept urging me to go to the bathroom before the flight started. So, I reluctantly tore myself away from my newly born work of depressing poetry, and walked to the closest women's rest room. The gross carpeted floor had a dark, disgusting stain near the entrance.
"Ugh," I thought to myself. "I don't want to know what that is."
When I finished well, going, I washed my hands with a pink foam soap that smelled like bubblegum. I strode back to the common area of gate 18, and sat wearily back down into the vulgar airport seat." Only a few more minutes," I remember thinking, "Then you'll be flying back to real life."

xxx

Emily

I knew it's time to board the plane when I heard the unambiguous words from above my head.

"All passengers who are riding fist class or who need extra time may board now."
I grab granny's arm and feebly murmur,

"That's us" in her ear. I pick up both our ragged duffel bags, and stagger back from all the weight. It was going to be a long few weeks. I looked over my shoulder, and stared enviously at the prep. She didn't have to carry the burden of another on her shoulders, or spend three weeks with her half deaf elderly granny. I still envy her today, but at the time, I had no idea what I should be jealous of.

By the time that train of thought was over, we had made our way to the plane, and to our leather blue seats. We were near the back of the plane, so I doubted I would see her again. She would probably be in luxury in the first class section, while I sweated it out back in the economy section. Then I could get my mind off her, and just focuses on the dreary time ahead. Now I wish more then anything that I would have tuned into the chatter of my verbose granny, instead of wasting my time on such a trivial subject. The prep was just another thing I wasted my time obsessing over. All my goals were unrealistic, and I obsessed over them until I met them, or until I failed and completely fell flat on my face.

This was just another frivolous thing that, in the long run, didn't really matter. She was just some random person, and she shouldn't have mattered to me at all. So why did it bug me so much?

Through

2008-05-22T22:22:00.002-04:00

Through

she drifts away

slowly, bit by bit,

ever so slightly,

she gravitates

her presence is missing

and there's a hole in my day

where she used to be

part of me, left with her

tearing away, breaking free

the intensity has faded

into dull strangers

walking casually by in the hallway

late for something more important

our lives separate,

once united, now pulled apart

she'd had enough

and now I'm done lying

I'm through.

Smokey

2008-05-20T14:54:00.000-04:00

smokey

slithering air

a black cloud of spirals

blazes like fire in your throat

engulfed

My Cinquain

2008-05-20T14:49:00.000-04:00

your eyes

piercing through me

they burn holes like acid

the flesh is gone, and smoke surrounds

your eyes

2008-05-20T14:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm going to try to write a happy poem again, but I don't know exactly what to write about.

So comment and suggest some happy things, and I'll try to write a happy poem.

2008-05-19T15:35:00.000-04:00

perched in a smooth leather chair at the library,

eyes transfixed in the loses of artists.

Taking a break I come up for air

give my tiresome brain a chance to rest

I look up and my eyes peruse the shelves around me,

as my gaze falls onto a nearby computer.

there siting only a few steps away,

is him.

the one that everyone makes fun of,

the one everyone outcasts.

they him judge unfairly.

his life is in the back of the bus

sitting with empty seats as his only company.

Typing, an American Studies book laying on the table next to his screen

no evidence of an adult with him,

nothing but his homework and bus tokens in his pocket,

even him family doesn't want him.

Maybe we judge too harshly,

the sins he commits so frequently

perhaps they are only from a broken heart,

from being invisible for so long,

I wanted to reach out,

brake down the barrier

that life has built between us.

hold him and tell him it would be okay

but then I realized that it's an impossibility.

my dad broke my deep chain of thought

and told me it's time to leave.

I got up and strode towards the exit

with no glance over my shoulder,

as I left him unwillingly in the darkness and cruelty of the world,

all because I was too busy to care.

empty

2008-05-15T14:31:00.000-04:00

i stared at her;

her chestnut brown eyes meeting mine,

showing no guilt,

for the sins she had committed,

there was no apology in that glance,

nothing but two strangers with their eyes locked upon one another,

searching for meaning, and finding nothing

what had happened to my friend

who had stayed by my side through it all

and who was this girl listlessly returning my gaze?

the intensity that used to live between us, had faded

and now as I longed for my old companion

I saw nothing in those auburn eyes,

they were empty

The Ending

2008-05-13T14:49:00.001-04:00

His hand slowly came out of his pocket to reveal a silver blade. He drew it out inch by inch, letting the metal shine in the gleaming yellow light of the moon. That knife reflected everything he’d been through, and instantly, I understood. I understood why he was crouched here, a few inches from my throat with that dagger. I understood why he had chased me so long, and how I was the resistance of the old life he had tried so hard to let go. Then I realized what I had to do.

I opened my clenched hand, and let my only weapon of defense, a pocket knife, fall to the dust covered ground. His eyes carried confusion, which soon blurred into determination. He had been waiting so long for this, for the heart ache to stop. In one swift motion he plunged the knife into my heart, and watched as the hole in his heart to got smaller and smaller. My last image before fading into darkness was that of his sweet smile. The one I had lived for for so long, and would now die in vain of.

Please note that this is the end of a story. A sad ending yes, but an ending none the less. I am not sure If I will write the beginning or not, so please comment me your thoughts.

perfection

2008-05-08T15:00:00.002-04:00

perfection

is simplicity

everything has beauty if you look deep enough

different people see different things

through one's eyes a flower could be precious,

but in anothers it could be something to run over with a bike

the sun's rising and setting guide some

while others shoot for the moon

i fall into your alluring eyes

as i see

my definition of perfection

Review of the notebook

2008-05-08T14:38:00.000-04:00

The notebook is one of those instant classic movies that you watch over and over again, while eating massive amounts of ice cream, and crying your heart out with your girlfriends. It is one of the biggest chick flicks ever, and is based an amazing book. The book was written by a man, but despite what you would expect, it is compassionate, sensitive, and in my opinion, one of the best love stories of all time.

I have not read the book, yet, so I am not sure how the movie compares. But what I do know, is that the movie illustrated the romance very well, and they choose to very strong actors for the leading rolls. I would recommend this movie to all who love romantic chick flicks, and will get into the story with alls it's twists and turns.

passion

2008-05-01T21:27:00.001-04:00

i hate you

every fiber of your body

ever waste of breath you take

the fire in yoru eyes is meant to torture me

and your existence makes me miserable.

everytime my eyes find yours

they burn from pure hatred

every time we accidentally touch

i get the shivers and immediately go wash away the impurity

you are a waste of space on this already crowed planet

and i hate you

but they say hate is a passion

so maybe

i really love you?

crimson whispers

2008-04-29T22:50:00.000-04:00

the knife

lays there

mocking her; provoking her

beckoning her to come for just one more ride

one little cut won't hurt

her blood boils under her skin

as she longs to see the crimson red once more

to let it be the last thing in her memory of the cruel world

her impulse is to grab it, thrust it into her skin

to see the red burst out from where the shiny silver broke in,

but she has learned control

though she struggles with the urge to throw everything away

she has to be strong

and now is not the time to give in

so she simply leaves the knife to haunt another

suicidal victim.

How did I get here?

2008-04-28T15:26:00.002-04:00

looking around in a confused blur
as blood dripped down her leg
broken glass lies everywhere
shattered from a windshield
but how had she gotten here?

when she looks up she saw a pale blue sky
and the top of a small hill
the fence broken from a heavy impact
pictures fall into place as she sees a shinny silver car door on the ground
and bits of metal scattered around with the leaves

the cool Autumn breeze blows through her hair
as she suddenly screams in shock
as she she realizes what just happened
she rushes to find the car

the new silver paint-almost completely scratched off
the car lay upside down cradled between two large rocks
her head started to spin as she remembered her driver
she had been the passenger in this tragic accident

she slowly made her way to the drivers window
only to find the car empty when she looked in
surprised and slightly confused
she searches around for her brother
she finds nothing but broken parts of his car
silence follows as she tries to decipher this mystery

she decides to go get help
so she trudges up the green hill
there before her is a deserted road with no one to help her
a piece of paper flitted about in the wind moving swiftly but smoothly
she catches it and sees that the ink is a crimson red
she focuses on the words and blocks out her pain for just enough time to read

it's you next

the cold truth

2008-04-21T15:35:00.000-04:00

Blood trickled down her face in a slow oozing motion. He looked down to see a broken bottle in his hand, the tips a crimson red. His hand opened and the bottle dropped to the floor, shattering as it hit the cold linoleum. His face became disturbed and then went as white as a ghost. He backed away, hands shaking, turned and ran. He ran as if rabid dogs were chasing him, as if the world was about to end. As he ran things became clearer, memories came back, slowly rolling in his mind like a black and white movie.He ran untill his feet fell out from under him, and he dropped to his knees and held his head in his arms repeating, "What have I done, what have I done?"

A few hours later, the police came across two lifeless bodies on the cold linoleum floor.

gone forever

2008-04-08T15:02:00.006-04:00

It was the moment I had been waiting for, for what seemed like an eternity. His usual graceful stride slipped into a dead sprint as soon as he saw me, and my awkward walk changed into a clumsy run, a lot of tripping and falling entailed. It had seemed like time was moving in slow motion as we made our way towards each other, and it seemed like I would die before I found his arms. Eventually, after what felt like forever, his warm arms were wrapped around me, and his embrace was the only thing I would ever need. Before I knew it, I was weeping. Tears were spilling from my eyes at a rapid pace and soaked his shirt through.

My soul mate stood before me; without him my life meant nothing. There would be no point in waking up, no point in floating through my life, without him by my side. He was the only thing that mattered; he was my air, without him I couldn't breathe. He was the light that guided me every day. He fought for not only his life, but for mine, too. For if he was to lose his battle to cancer, and perish from the perfect world of love we live in, there would be two funerals to plan. I could tell from his eyes that he was troubled, and any bad thing he had to say could have crushed me at any moment.

I was terrified of the question, but I knew it was inevitable to ask him. I looked into the distance and pretended to be searching for something. I had been so preoccupied with being in his arms once again, that I hadn't noticed we were swiftly moving towards the exit. I focused on the glowing red words, and asked casually,

"So what did the doctors say?"

His jaw clenched and his eyes froze as if they were sky blue ice. His voice was hard and cold,
"I don't want to talk about it. Let's not ruin this perfect moment."
It was clear that it was the end of the discussion, no questions asked, and a gnawing feeling inside told me that I knew the truth. But how long did we have? A Year? A month? Less?

There was an urgent tone in my voice.
" David! You tell me right now what the doctors told you!" I could be just as stubborn as him, and I would be.
Davids face softened into a loving smile.
"There's no use worrying about it. I'll be fine, as long as I have you."

Those were the last words I would ever hear him say.

The doctors said that the treatment he had had for his cancer, had caused a blood clot. He died within the hour that his head hit the ugly carpeted floor of the airport. He lost our battle, and now, I'm going down with him. I only hope that god will over look me taking my own life, and fly me to heaven besides my own personal angel. I'll know the first moment I see him, that I made the right choose. And now, with one trigger, we will both be gone forever.

Fool for Love

2008-04-07T15:34:00.000-04:00

if only
words could express
the sea of feelings inside me,
I would whisper them in your ear,
in a sweet poetic voice.

I would stay by your side
from now until forever,
and an eternity of perfection
would be mine to cherish.

forever has no meaning
with out my other half:
you.
I need to wake up every morning
and let your beautiful face light up my day
no matter how gloomy the weather.

You would keep away all shadows
trying to swallow, engulf me.
You would be my protector,
and guide me through all darkness.

We are all blind in love,
and many of us oblivious
to the greatness
the one special person may hold.

Some people choose not to look
into their hearts,
not to see what they desire,
for they are afraid of taking risks.

Of course you will be the same,
because I have nothing to hold you
back from all you could have.
Of course you won't choose me,
what have I to give
except for a depressed girl just trying to fit in
and a heart full of love?

I am destined to let you down,
and you will walk away
as they all do,

so what's the use in love?

tired

2008-04-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

Doesn't the girl
behind the fake smiles,
drowning in tears,
ever get tired?

Tired of being something,
someone,
she's not
and never wanted to be?

Isn't she sick
of doing what's expected
and going without a word
or a scream in resistance?

Doesn't she ever think
that she has a choice
that she doesn't have to be this happy stranger
staring at her in the mirror?

Isn't she ever just fed up
with this world around her,
and all of stereotypical people
who don't fight the influence of the crowd?

Doesn't she ever just
want to shriek
out to the world
who she truly is?

Why does she
remain so silent
no struggle and no riot
entailed?

Doesn't she ever
just want to parish this insane mask
of happiness that she's worn
all her life?

Isn't she just tired?

The answer is yes.

Yes I am.

Rants

2008-03-30T19:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, so instead of my usual depressing poem, or corny story, this week I decided to talk about something that really bothers me. Emo is used by a lot of people to describe someone that wears dark clothing. This is a common misconception. What emo really stands for is emotional. It is a type of music, and a term used to describe someone who cuts them selves. Being goth is completely different. Goths do not cut themselves, or have death wishes or suicide attempts. The world we live in is prejudice towards anyone who is different. Just because someone wears black, that automatically means that they are depressed and listen to dark music. Most people make these accusations that are completely wrong.

Another thing that really aggravates me, is when people say things like, "Oh that's so gay."
Gay doesn't mean stupid or lame, it means two people of the same sex love each other. Also, when I confront people for saying these things, they ask me rude questions like,"Why do you care? Are you gay?" No I am not gay, but I don't see anything wrong with it. It really bothers me when people disregard gay people, and say things like that. I think that people should respect peoples decisions to be gay, and find new terms to call people, (not that you should call people names.)

I really think that everyone should stop judging other people, and just focus on their own lives.

just another suicide

2008-03-29T15:01:00.001-04:00

she stares in the mirror
at what she has become
she stares at an empty face
full of no sympathy
caring about nothing but
the pain
self inflicted
no doubt
in her mind
but the day is almost through
and night must fall
once more
the end is drawing near,
and she can't even
remember
the beginning,
she can't remember
why
this chaos
started.
when she let
it go.
she can't remember
the first time
she saw
her choices slip away.
but now she knows,
there's only one way left
one door to open
or would close be more like it?
there was only one way out.
one that would hurt no one
but this monster
she had created
she would leave in the pain
of her world
that never wanted her.
no one cared
not now,
not earlier
not at the beginning
so not at the end
one cut
could end it all
she had already been dead
for so long
there was nothing left to kill
but this body that remained
stationary
in her life
no matter how hard she tried
to move
to change
it didn't matter
once you go there
you can't go back
she was always fighting
fighting against a current
moving the opposite way
soon she would have to drown
she couldn't tread forever
she was tired
of floating endlessly
of trying
to not let go
fighting against
the urge
to give in
to end the nothing
that she was
she longed
to say one last good bye
to her best friend
the rusty knife that was
plastered in her hand
always going far
but never far enough
it always pulled away
one second to soon
and she would lay their
withering in the pain
she no doubt deserved
everything had fallen apart
and she was in no state to
put it back together
so she grabs her knife
and
gives in to impulse,
she jabs it into her arm
and smiles
she welcomes the pain
the only thing she can now control
as she slips into unconsciousness,
she sees her fathers unforgiving face
a look of disgust painted there
and
the beginning
is now
the end

Where are we now?

2008-03-27T14:41:00.001-04:00

You choose to ignore

what could have been,

but she still lurks behind you

in the shadows

of this darkness

you have thrown her into.

Her smiles were warm,

her personality sparkled

but you choose to leave

her behind.

You knew that she liked you,

and you liked her,

but now the past means nothing.

You said it was different

but really how so?

Was it different 'cause

this time you knew

you broke her heart?

For once,

was it not an accident?

For once,

did you actually stop and consider

what it was

you were passing up?

Always before you didn't realize,

who it was you were hurting,

but now your arrogance

shines through in true colors.

But what you didn't know

was by crushing her

she was dragging you down

too?

Now what could have been

means nothing, but

what should have been,

so where are we now?

Edward Cullen is a vampire!!!!!

2008-03-13T14:28:00.001-04:00

There has been some debate by the guys in our school on the matter of Edward Cullen. Some, whose name I will not mention, believe that Edward is not a vampire. They believe that Edward is on steroids, (to explain his super strength and lightning fast speed) and Bella his girlfriend is crazy (to explain why she thinks that Edward is a vampire.) I think it is rude to question and critic the characters that Stephenie Myer has created. I think that the guys in our grade should just except that the girls like Edward way more then them, and move on.

Edward is a vampire!!!!!!!

Get over it!!!!!!

The Sad Truth

2008-03-06T13:15:00.002-05:00

I sit here,

watching the sun's

light

fade

into a dull nothing.

Into the darkness of night,

the world is engulfed in black.

The stars that once guided

us now hide in the shadows

of this earth we've created.

I watch as the world goes to sleep,

and all the buzzing of voices finally stop

for now.

I watch as everything

becomes nothing

time and time again,

and I see, the world's

deathly future.

strong enough

2008-03-03T15:47:00.002-05:00

when the world comes
crumbling down,
there has to be someone
to build it back up again.

when the earth is sick
and spinning out of control,
there has to be someone
to help mend the wounds.

when everything goes wrong,
and everythings a mess,
there has to be someone
to put right back in you life.

there always has
to be someone
strong enough,
to fix everything.

but what happens,
when the only one
who can put you
back together,

is the one

that made you fall apart?

Why

2008-03-03T15:28:00.003-05:00

why is it
that you never notice
what it is you have?

why is it
the good things stay invisible
until they're gone?

why is it
that one man's trash
is another man's treasure?

why is it
that the words you always say
ring in my ears at night?

why is it
one day your here and the next day
you not?

why is it
that beauty is different
to everyone’s eyes?

why is it
that you never say hi
but always say goodbye?

why is it

you never

notice

the flower on the wall

staring at you

with longing in her eyes?

why is it

that she cares so much

for someone who doesn't return the favor?

why
why
why

is love so blind?

A Long Way From Heaven

2008-02-12T20:51:00.007-05:00

A Long Way From Heaven

Chapter 1
I listened to the light sound of the rain softly pattering on my roof, as I lay in my bed absent mindedly. I stared at the sky blue wall as I thought back on the lazy week I had. There was a nagging voice in the back of my head, that no matter how hard I tried to block out, I couldn't. It taunted me mercilessly, saying that I wasn't in the place I wanted or needed to be. That everything wasn't ok, and that I would never find another place to fit in with all those happy-go-lucky islanders. That Hawaii and I weren't getting along to well.

My younger brother Davie pounded on my door, and screeched
"Wake up Emmy! Mom made pancakes! You better get up before we eat them all! Wake up! Wake up!"
Leave it to Davie to ruin a perfectly calm moment.

I sighed and dragged myself out of the warmth of my bed; the only place I felt home on this god-for-sacking island. I looked into the mirror to see a red faced teenage girl staring back at me, and with purple bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. I couldn't recognize this mess I had become over the few past weeks. I went into the bathroom (another negative to living in Hawaii, I had to share a bathroom,) and splashed water on my face. Then rushed to the kitchen; not wanting my brother to come and get me again. The old me would have enjoyed pancake Saturday, but now it just reminded me of the life I had left behind. Sadness crept over me as I fell back into the depression I'd been trying so hard to stay away from. Leila and Kevin's faces crawled into my mind, and I fell even deeper. As I reached the kitchen I fought back tears. I didn't want Davie to see my like this, I needed to set an example for him.

I tried my best to hide my sorrow, and play a happy act; at least through breakfast. Davie didn't seem to notice a thing as he served himself a generous third helping of pancakes, but my mom sensed something was up. I just smiled and excused myself as soon as possible. I escaped her prying eyes, and went back to my room, where I dove into a book. When I didn't want to deal with reality, I read to get away from everything, where life is how the author wants it to be. I was drifting into To Kill A Mocking Bird when my mom knocked on my door, and I hear her smooth voice ask me if she can come in. I sighed and got up to open the door that she could have easily opened herself. I hadn't been using my brain to much lately, and who could really blame me?

As I opened the door, she slipped in besides me, and we sat on my bed. My mom tried to act more like a friend then a mom sometimes. That was defiantly one of those times. She put one arm around me and casually said,
"So, how do you like Hawaii?"
I tried to mask my sadness and really pretend to be happy.
"I really like it here mom. It's every girls dream to live in Hawaii."
I looked into her eyes and sparkled with sincerity. I always had been a good actress.
"I just miss my friends, that's all."
"Ok." she sighed as she got up to leave.
"Just remember that you can always go back and live with Aunt Paula."
"I know mom." Believe me I knew.

Later that day, after it stopped raining, I decided to go on a walk. I have always loved the way the air smelled after it rained. The way moisture touches your face as you walked, cooling you off. The way everything is so quiet, even though it's the middle of the day. Most people say I'm crazy when I tell them that, but it smells differently to me. Maybe I am going crazy. That would explain a lot.

I made my way down to the beach as I thought about all the times Leila and I had played outside in the rain, dancing and running and laughing. No. I don't want to think about her. It will only make it worse. I tried to push the thought out of my head the way I had been doing these past few weeks. I hadn't noticed how long it had been as I saw a cliff ahead of me. I decided to walk to it and then turn around. As I walked closer I began to hear the faint sound of music. It sounds like it's in some foreign language that I'd never heard before. I walked quickly forward towards the cliff, following the strange, sweet song. I was a few yards away when I first heard it. A blood curdling scream. It sounded like an innocent child being tortured. I froze and couldn't make my body move another inch.

My basic survival instinct told me to turn around and run for my life, bur all I could think was that someone needed help. I needed to help them. I quickly strode the last few yards, paused, took a deep breath, and then turned to see what was under the cliff.

At first I could see nothing but darkness, but soon I could pick out five pairs of gleaming red eyes focused on me. The screaming had stopped and I could smell the smoke of a fire that must have gone out. What happened after that was so fast that it all seemed like a blur. One second I was standing on my feet, the next I was on the ground pinned under a giant bolder. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to start, but it never did. I slowly, reluctantly, opened my eyes again, to see five red eyed males standing around a dimly lit fire. They were speaking softly, but so quickly I couldn't make out anything from their slur of words. There was no evidence of a child being tortured, nothing but them and me.

At first I was relieved that no one had been hurt, but then I became angry with myself. How could I have been so stupid to blindly come into a cave where I heard screaming? How could I have been so delusional to think that I could do anything to help? And how did this bolder get on top of me. I hadn't remembered moving from where I stood. As these questions flung through my head, I found my voice and stammered,

"Who are you? What are you doing here? Why am I under this bolder?"

The fast talking stopped and all their gazes shifted from one another to me.

"You woke up," one of them murmured.

Woke up? I was asleep?

One of them steeped forward into the dim light of the fire. I was shocked.

His features were like nothing I had ever seen before. His eyes were spread widely apart, unnaturally so, his hair was a crimson red, as if the color of blood, and his skin as black as midnight. At first the unnaturalness of his face shocked me. It appeared ugly as I began to stare at him, but after a while, he was strikingly beautiful. I decided his peculiar features suited each other. He spoke smoothly but fiercely, with an edge to his voice.

"My name is Iakopa. We are performing an ancient Hawaiian ritual, and you are pinned under a bolder, because you have intercepted with fate, and now, you must die."

Chapter Two

I layed in a daze unable to speak, move, or for that matter make my body function. My voice choked in my throat and no matter how hard I begged for my mouth to form words, the deathly silence remained. I fought with the urgeto shut my eyes and pretend that none of this was real, when another figure slipped into the fire light. His straight blond hair fell away from his face to reveal two hazel eyes, more beautiful then life it's self.

As I continued to stare, he cleared his throat to say,

" Now, now, Iakopa. Let's not be too hasty. There are other options besides death. "

I couldn't believe this! This striking boy was defending me. I was unable stop myself from returning my gaze to his stunning eyes. I thought about how gorgeous didn't begin to cover the shade of hazel they were. But then a thought came to mind. How could his eyes be hazel when they were unmistakably red in the darkness. The light did something to him. I had been so focused on Iakopa's words and midnight skin that I hadn't realized that his eyes weren't red in the fire light, butinside coal black, holding all the bitterness in the world.

The fire light did something to there eyes, or perhaps I was just going insane. Perhaps none of this was real, and that I was having a hallucination. Yeah, that would explain it. Or so I thought...

The silence of the room was broken. Iakopa spoke once more.

"What other options would there be Riley?"
Riley spoke softly,
"We could keep her here, for one. I would hate to take her away from her family, but that's better then death is it not? Or, we could make her forget everything. We've been there before, and it wasn't pretty, but she may be different. And then there's always..." he trailed off before finishing.

As if reading his mind Iakopa shouted,
"No!! That is NOT an option!!!!"
" How would we know? We've never tried!" Riley responded.
Another figure stepped out of the darkness. His eyes and hair were both a dark chestnut brown, and his skin a pale olive color. Funny, he seemed normal compared to the other great beauties besides him.
"Just 'cause she's yours Riley, doesn't mean the rest of us would want her to be one of us."

What did he mean by that? How was I Riley's?

"Maybe we should let her decide then?" suggested Riley.
By the dim light of the fire, I could see everyone's eyes turn to me.
"Decide what?" I somehow chocked out.
"Your fate," answered Iakopa.
"Her fate has already been decided," reminded Riley, in a confident voice.
"Oh shut up about that. You know the fire can lie," responded the brunette.
"It wasn't right last time, if I remember right, you had no sympathy for mine. Was it, or was it not, you who casted her away?"

Riley's face softened. His eyes filled with saddness, as if someone, who was very dear to him parished. As if he had lost a part of him, and it was a wound that could only be healed with time. I wanted to confort him, reach out and squeeze him tightly in an embrace, and murmur that everything would be alright.

But as I came back to reality, I relized that I should be teriffied of him. He and his friends were talking about killing me. And yet, my instincts for survival disappeared, and I longed for his touch. I wanted to feel his arms tightly wrapped around me, I wanted to feel his hot breath on my face. I wanted deperatley to run my hand over his pale skin, and memorize his face, over and over. If there was such thing as love at first sight, I had most definatley found it.

Chapter Three

Riley

The moment I saw her, I knew. I knew it was her. The one. The one I wanted to be with forever, to share everything, to give and take nothing but . Of course I knew I would always feel guilty taking a life that could have held happiness, but I knew I was not strong enough to leave her alone. She was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. They say that love is blind, but I knew it was not just my heart clouding my eyes. It pained me to see her pinned under that rock, but I knew it was nessicary. Right now my only goal was to save her life from Iakopa.

I responded to Gregory's question, with a soft,

" You know I had no idea what it was like then. None of us knew. All we were trying to do then was survive. Even that seemed like a lot then. Please. Please. If she was still here, you would do anything to save her, wouldn't you? What if, you could have Lily? For just her lifetime? It would be short, but it would be worth it. Please, I'll do anything!" There was a pleading tone to my voice that I was sure he heard. Of all of us, I knew that he would understand.

"I would do it. If I could have Lilly. Of course I woud do anything..." Greagory trailed of, obviously in thought. Probably recolecting about Lilly. She was beautiful, but was nothing compared to my Emmy.

"So," I turned to Iakopa. "It's settled. She'll become one of us."

" I don't like it" Iakopa spit out every word, like he was tasting something horrific.

"I don't like it at all. I wish there was another way... I still think we should kill her, but if it is really that important to you, we can try. The only thing is that we don't know how powerful she'll be. She could have some talent we've never dreamed of before. It will be a major risk, and it will be your head on the chopping block if this falls through Riley. But if it what you really want..."

"More then anything," I jumped in.
" Alright then. Greagory will you do it? I am very tired and need to save my engergy for the travel back."
"Of course," replied Greagory.

With that he carefully lifted the rock off of Emmy, and scooped her up into his arms. Before they walked out of side I spoke softly to her,
"It will be alright. I won't let them hurt you."

Waiting was definately the worst part. My feelings were stirring inside me, as I anxiously made the trip back. I fell behind the others, letting Iakopa lead the group. I had been dreading the trip back, and feeling the wrath of Madiline. Once she had found out what I had done, she would surely disapear forever. As if I didn't feel guilty enough for stealing Emmy's life, now I had to worry about Madeline. I could see how her face would draw into a deeply pained expression, and how she would cringe away into a dark corner, to suffer alone. I would miss her dearly, but I was fighting for something much larger now.

I was fighting for love.

I was fighting for the right to wake up every morning to her angel face, that would cure any type of sadness, driving it out of my body forever.

I was fighting for being able to spend hours walking on the beach, hand in hand with the reason of my existance. I could picture in my mind how her dark black hair would blow in the wind, how her tanned skin would shine in sunlight, and how we would be perfectly and blissfully happy. If only I could find a way to evade this guiltyness that keeps building up inside me.

Chapter 4

Greagory

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2008-02-12T15:17:00.001-05:00

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